LAPDANCING, DIKES AND DICKS CABARET IN THE TWIN CITIES
DIKES AND BRIDGES: LAPDANCING IN THE TWIN CITIES
When the James/Coleman/Younger gang ran out of bank robbing options in the late 1800's, they traveled north to Minnesota because the "squarehead" Scandinavian farmers had squirreled away tons of cash from raising wheat and corn and making cheese. Minneapolis, the business capital of the state, remains the same as it was in the 1800s, a drab place of boring Nordic people who pinch pennies, lip serve liberal politics, and "squarehead" their way through life avoiding any semblance of having a good time. If alcoholism is their bain, its not because they throw keg parties with prostitutes. It's because they imbibe alone or in gloomy bars called "The Viking" or "The Mixers" that make a mockery of social drinking.
Two buddies of mine from Viet Nam are infirm and live there. Last week I decided to visit them because one, "Bad Ass" Larry, just had a hip replacement. Both of his knees went bionic several years ago and there is no amount of anti- inflammatory arthritis medication that can reverse the effects of the uber-dose given to him by the Agent Orange flyboys on one sunny day in the Mekong Delta about 30 years ago.
"Bad Ass" was in hospital and I paid him a visit. I went there with my other Nam buddy, Jesse, a basic schizo breakdown personality with a heart. We purchased party hats and noise makers-- the kind that you blow into and they unravel and make a horn- type sound as the paper tube gyrates in the air. Larry needed a New Years celebration, we decided, to take his mind off of being stuck in the Lutheran Hospital with the "squarehead" nurses and cancer ward patients while his titanium hip joint bonded with his body.
That night I left the two and went searching for a lap dance. My first stop was the public library where I googled "Minneapolis + strip club." Jesus please bless these helpful sites. The ones I found listed lapdancer clubs, local lap dancers and also had customer reviews. What else could a horny out-of-towner possibly need???
For my major night out, I settled on visiting "Dick's Cabaret," because I liked the name. No other reason. I didn't pay any attention to the customer reviews on the web. I know they are all written by overly baked, horny guys who either (1) liked the club because they got to dance with some silicone pumped, dyed blond sweety, or, (2) hated the place because their lapdancer was a "bitch." Both experiences were equally of no use to me.
Once I picked the spot I had to face the daunting task of entering a strange club as an out- of- towner with my precious wallet in hand. Here is where experience truly comes in. How do you play a new club, especially when you are a visitor to a "new" city? Listen up, dudes!
First quick answer-- every club is different and each club also differs depending on the month, the week, the day and the time. Once inside, however, where the particular place is, usually has limited significance. Lapdancing clubs are generally run alike and lap dancers all fall into a similar range of types regardless of location.
Second quick answer-- when you go to a new place, you must have patience. If you are one of those out- of- town, out- of- it types, who walk into a club all horny and, consequently, already psychotic, then what chance do you really have to enjoy yourself? Its like visiting a zoo and throwing yourself into the Polar Bear exhibit, particularly now when humans are causing their extinction due to global warming. Or, maybe its more like dangling your feet and throwing rocks at a nice female Siberian Tiger with a grudge at some zoo in northern California. Whatever! You don't want to be a victim. Have patience.
I walked into Dick's and eyeballed the room. First goal-- study the space. This particular lapdancing club was a basic rectangle. Cushy seats were laid out night club- style. Two or three together of the arm chairs were grouped around small tables with lamps on them. It was all meant to give the impression of being "upscale." That meant the place had lots of regulars but not much traffic except for tourists who got trapped in the Twin Cities for a night.
When the James/Coleman/Younger gang ran out of bank robbing options in the late 1800's, they traveled north to Minnesota because the "squarehead" Scandinavian farmers had squirreled away tons of cash from raising wheat and corn and making cheese. Minneapolis, the business capital of the state, remains the same as it was in the 1800s, a drab place of boring Nordic people who pinch pennies, lip serve liberal politics, and "squarehead" their way through life avoiding any semblance of having a good time. If alcoholism is their bain, its not because they throw keg parties with prostitutes. It's because they imbibe alone or in gloomy bars called "The Viking" or "The Mixers" that make a mockery of social drinking.
Two buddies of mine from Viet Nam are infirm and live there. Last week I decided to visit them because one, "Bad Ass" Larry, just had a hip replacement. Both of his knees went bionic several years ago and there is no amount of anti- inflammatory arthritis medication that can reverse the effects of the uber-dose given to him by the Agent Orange flyboys on one sunny day in the Mekong Delta about 30 years ago.
"Bad Ass" was in hospital and I paid him a visit. I went there with my other Nam buddy, Jesse, a basic schizo breakdown personality with a heart. We purchased party hats and noise makers-- the kind that you blow into and they unravel and make a horn- type sound as the paper tube gyrates in the air. Larry needed a New Years celebration, we decided, to take his mind off of being stuck in the Lutheran Hospital with the "squarehead" nurses and cancer ward patients while his titanium hip joint bonded with his body.
That night I left the two and went searching for a lap dance. My first stop was the public library where I googled "Minneapolis + strip club." Jesus please bless these helpful sites. The ones I found listed lapdancer clubs, local lap dancers and also had customer reviews. What else could a horny out-of-towner possibly need???
For my major night out, I settled on visiting "Dick's Cabaret," because I liked the name. No other reason. I didn't pay any attention to the customer reviews on the web. I know they are all written by overly baked, horny guys who either (1) liked the club because they got to dance with some silicone pumped, dyed blond sweety, or, (2) hated the place because their lapdancer was a "bitch." Both experiences were equally of no use to me.
Once I picked the spot I had to face the daunting task of entering a strange club as an out- of- towner with my precious wallet in hand. Here is where experience truly comes in. How do you play a new club, especially when you are a visitor to a "new" city? Listen up, dudes!
First quick answer-- every club is different and each club also differs depending on the month, the week, the day and the time. Once inside, however, where the particular place is, usually has limited significance. Lapdancing clubs are generally run alike and lap dancers all fall into a similar range of types regardless of location.
Second quick answer-- when you go to a new place, you must have patience. If you are one of those out- of- town, out- of- it types, who walk into a club all horny and, consequently, already psychotic, then what chance do you really have to enjoy yourself? Its like visiting a zoo and throwing yourself into the Polar Bear exhibit, particularly now when humans are causing their extinction due to global warming. Or, maybe its more like dangling your feet and throwing rocks at a nice female Siberian Tiger with a grudge at some zoo in northern California. Whatever! You don't want to be a victim. Have patience.
I walked into Dick's and eyeballed the room. First goal-- study the space. This particular lapdancing club was a basic rectangle. Cushy seats were laid out night club- style. Two or three together of the arm chairs were grouped around small tables with lamps on them. It was all meant to give the impression of being "upscale." That meant the place had lots of regulars but not much traffic except for tourists who got trapped in the Twin Cities for a night.
posted by seeker at
10:15 AM
